Reporting for Duty, Sir.

I met my new Security Officer today, Ensign Chekov. This is one warped dude. What the hell is a "Wussian"? And when did someone from Moscow invent everything in the known universe?

I will say this for him, he takes his security detail seriously. He showed me the designs he drew up for a new type of phaser-proof vest. Impressive. I didn't tell him, but I think it will be too heavy for any of the known races in Starfleet. Maybe someone will create an android to wear it...nah. Nevermind.

Anyway, I haven't met the Captain yet. Chekov told me it would be a few days before my 'welcome aboard' visit. I hope that means he won't know to ask for me on any away missions.

I get to meet the ship's doctor tomorrow. Dr. McCoy wants to do a complete physical before I actually stand a watch or join any away missions. I wonder if that means i'm safe for awhile. Maybe if I put off the physical then Kirk can't take me on any away missions, and therefore won't get me killed? Wishful thinking I know. I heard that Kirk is so efficient at killing red shirts, that he took the Enterprise back in time to kill one's great great great great grandfather. Now that is dedication to one's hobby.

I wonder if Chekov needs any help with that phaser-proof vest....

Arrival at StarBase 148

Well, it's official. I arrived at StarBase 148 today. My death has been postponed though, Enterprise isnt here yet. Apparently Kirk is off killing a few more security personnel to make room for me.

The Andoran hooker was no where to be found, so I hooked up with a Tellarite. Got a nasty rash and thought I was home free, until I passed out and woke up in sickbay... damn competant medical staff. I seriously considered killing that nurse for curing me while I was unconscience.

Enterprise is due back tomorrow.... I wonder what kind of industrial accidents can happen around here. Maybe if I loose an arm or leg I can delay my transfer long enough that Kirk will just get someone else instead of me.

oooooohhh look.... an unattended laser cutter...

New Orders Arrived Today...

I'm a f#cking dead man...

I knew I was in trouble when I found out that chick I was sleeping with was married to my Detailer. Dammit I didn't know she was married, it might not have mattered, but I didn't know. Now the bastard has cut me orders to the absolute worst ship in the fleet...the USS Enterprise... better known in the Security Community as the USS RoachMotel...red shirts check in, but they don't check out.

I'm f#cking dead.....

Kirk goes through red shirts like he goes through contraceptives. The man is not real. One of my instructors, Chief Williams, served with Kirk for a whole year and lived to tell about it. Williams is a Legend in Security. What a sad state when you can reach Legend status just because you live through an assignment.

I just heard that Kirk came back from a 2 week operation with 5 less red shirts than he started. The Operation? Raiding enemy territory? no... Stealth Reconnaissance in the Neutral Zone? no... it was scheduled maintenance in Mars orbit... typical.

I'm a dead f#cking man. That's it, I am giving up women forever. If I hadn't slept with Becky then Master Chief wouldn't have sentenced me to die. Maybe Enterprise will be in dry dock for a few days, I can come up with some disease to get me out of going underway...

I wonder where that Andorian hooker went off to, she is bound to have something contagious...